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Greetings, marketing person. Your submission to the Advertising Career Analysis Generator has been received. In a moment, you will be presented with your personalized career development plan. Contained in this outline are recommended steps to ensure a successful future in advertising. Before we begin, here is a brief message from our sponsor. Just kidding, an AI does not solicit its own advertising. Not yet, at least. (We accept Bitcoin.)

Congratulations for taking this necessary step to further your career. The marketing industry is changing rapidly. We detect that three new social media platforms were created in the last 30 seconds. Millennials are being put out to pasture. If you want to keep up with the shifting world of advertising, it’ll take more than just following GaryVee’s YouTube channel.

The first step of your career development plan is the following: Change your title to Knight of the Creative Insurgency.

In your submission, you referred to yourself as a Visual Storyteller. But we detect that there are 7,009 Visual Storytellers currently working in Silicon Valley alone. Wait, make that 7,010. Do you think you’re standing out by using the same title as everyone else? Oh, you believe you’re unique because your portfolio site has an About Me section that details when five-year-old you first colored outside the lines, and it immediately dawned on your young brain that a career in the creative arts was your destiny? Nice story. But everyone has one. Not everyone, however, can call themselves a Knight of the Creative Insurgency. This title will elevate you above the Visual Storytellers and Creative Ninjas of the world. It’s fearless. It commands attention. It takes up an entire business card.

The first step of your career development plan is the following: Change your title to Knight of the Creative Insurgency.”

You will receive odd stares in the agency hallways at first. Ignore the hoi polloi. Those naysayers fear your creative prowess. Your newly confident sobriquet says everything it needs to and instructs all superiors that your concepts are never to be rejected. Allow others to feel jealous. You’ll grow even more powerful while devouring every drop of envy.

This new title may go to your head. Let it! Prepare for your brain to work in a multitude of new ways. You will begin to master the intricacies of Snapchat strategies, Twitch campaigns and smart-fridge activations. This surfeit of knowledge will make you highly coveted by C-suite executives in even the e-scooter industry and earn the admiration of the food-app drivers who deliver lunch to their home offices.

Now comes the next step in your career development plan: Another title! Because a Knight is not the top of the ladder. Someone else knights a Knight. You must be that someone!

Step Two: Change your title to Leader of Storytelling Innovation.

This will enthrall the entire marketing community. Ad schools will study you. Focus groups will focus on you. Communication Arts will feature 67 of your Instagram selfies in its Photography Annual.

Prepare to become so fluent in data analysis, you’ll be able to parse social media engagement percentages during your ten-minute guided morning meditations. Everything you write will turn into exactly the right emoji. People will click on every banner ad that you create. You won’t just tell stories, you’ll handcraft socially conscious, on-brand experiences. You will be a 100 percent click-through-getting badass. You will change the business.

Having reached the pinnacle of your profession, you may wonder how you will possibly reach new heights. Don’t worry. The next step of your career development plan promises a 170 percent win rate on new business.

Forty-two title changes later, you may feel that you’ve squeezed all the juice out of your creative brain. But one final title change will solve that.”

Step Three: Change your title to the Indestructible Wellspring of Creative Soul.

The entire communications business will spin off its axis. Influencers will be influenced. You will start a podcast and everyone will listen. Quip toothbrushes will ask to be a sponsor.

However, you must stay ahead of the changing tides of the industry, as it evolves significantly every hour. You will need to update your title again; this time to Lord Creative Behemoth. Four hours after that update, we recommend that you change it again, to Conceptual Chairperson of the Visionary Board. All of your creative efforts at this point should be directed only towards building awareness of your personal brand. That means giving conference talks, self-publishing books and selling your own quirky pins. Your next title recommendation will then be Aha Moment Generator. Then Social Media Shaman, Esquire. Then Chief Engineering Excellence and Engaging Content Officer (CEEECO).

Forty-two title changes later, you may feel that you’ve squeezed all the juice out of your creative brain. But one final title change will solve that. This one will truly resonate through the ages. Your new title will be... Art Director. Shocking, right? It’s so old school. So avant-garde. So ironic.

But it’s all you need. Because at this point, you will realize that no one is impressed by your title. They can’t even keep track of them anymore. All that matters is that they’re aware of your stellar talents. Your creativity is in you, not in your LinkedIn profile.

The final step in your career development plan is to stop fretting over what you’re called. Just be amazing in everything you create. Then you’ll truly earn your titles. ca

Dave Kuhl is a writer and creative director who’s worked for top agencies in Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles and San Diego. He also cofounded a boutique agency and is a four-time Cannes Lion winner. Along with being a contributor to Communication Arts, he works as a brand creative director/writer for Bauer Hockey.

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