“Western Coupons” :60 Ellen: Why so many coupons, this is ridiculous. Was it always this way? Western Ellen: That is a bad smell. Seriously, nobody smells that? Woman Shopper: She took her two kids and she done run off. Western Ellen: I’m terribly sorry, are you in line? Woman Shopper: No, no, m’am. Please Western Ellen: (Speaking over shopper) That’s horrible about the woman. Cashier: Howdy Western Ellen: Hi. Two pair of jeans for five cents, I have a coupon if you’ll just (She reaches for her pocket and everyone screams) Cashier: Shoot the kid, not me! Western Ellen: Whoa everybody! I’m just getting some coupons! Coupons. Coupons. Woman Shopper: Oh! Sheriff: Coupons. Western Ellen: I don’t keep my gun in this pocket. I keep it in this one. (Everyone drops and screams again) Cashier: Shouts something unintelligible. Super: No coupons, just great prices. That’s fair and square. “Roman Returns” :60 Roman Returns Associate: Next. Ellen: Hi. I’d like to return this, please. Roman Returns Associate: Reason? Ellen: It’s a skort. Roman Returns Associate: Receipt? Ellen: Oh, this is a funny story. I have a standard poodle. Roman Returns Associate: No receipt, no return. Ellen (VO): Was it always this way? Roman Returns Associate: Signora. Next please. Roman Ellen: Hi Roman Returns Associate: Hi. Roman Ellen: I would like to return this toga. Roman Returns Associate: Reason for return? Roman Ellen: It’s just not me. And it’s there’s one shoulder missing and do you have anything with a zipper? Roman Returns Associate: Zipper? Roman Ellen: Zi-zipper. Other Roman Associate: Zipper? Roman Ellen: Zipper. Other Roman Associate: Zipper. Roman Ellen: You know, Other Roman Associate: Do you have a receipt? Receipt? Roman Returns Associate: Receipt. Other Roman Associate: Receipt. Roman Ellen: Wow. That seems very heavy to carry around. Roman Returns Associate: When did you buy it? Roman Ellen: When did I buy it? When were the locusts? Right after the locusts, I believe. Other Roman Associate: Do you have a receipt? Roman Ellen: This is ridiculous, really. This is ridiculous! (The crowds start shouting) Roman Ellen: This is ridiculous! This is ridiculous! Super: Return any item, anytime. That’s fair and square. “50’s Wake-Up” :30 Ellen: Excuse me, where are all the shoes? Sales Associate: Girl, the sale started at 6 AM. Ellen: Well, girl, it’s only 8:20. Why so early? Has it always been this way? 50’s Wife: Rise and shine, Joe! It’s 6 AM! Joe: Oh! 50’s Wife: We have to get to the sale! Ellen: Why do we have to get up so early? Won’t the same things be on sale later today? SFX: Laugh track. Ellen: Why is that so funny? Super: No door busting, just great prices all the time. That’s fair and square.